


Alone

by jenhedgehog



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, F/F, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-13
Updated: 2018-02-13
Packaged: 2019-03-17 21:58:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13668117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jenhedgehog/pseuds/jenhedgehog
Summary: "This is Peridot.  Facet 2F5L Cut 5XG.Number of days since Lapis left the earth - seven.I have decided to abandon Homeworld's traditional log dating system in favour of this one.  It only seems logical, considering that this is how I keep track of the days now.It has been quite some time since I stopped keeping my log.  Steven encouraged me to start doing this again - he seems to think that it might help me to... to deal with what happened.  With Lapis."- An angsty oneshot told entirely through Peridot's logs.





	Alone

This is Peridot.  Facet 2F5L Cut 5XG.

 

Number of days since Lapis left the earth - seven.

 

I have decided to abandon Homeworld's traditional log dating system in favour of this one.  It only seems logical, considering that this is how I keep track of the days now.

 

It has been quite some time since I stopped keeping my log.  Steven encouraged me to start doing this again - he seems to think that it might help me to... to deal with what happened.  With Lapis.

 

We were so happy living in that barn together.  I thought it was the perfect life.  And now Pumpkin and I are here on earth, and she's in space with the barn.  I have no idea where she is.  I just keep hoping that she will eventually come back to us.

 

For the time being I am once again residing in Steven's bathroom.  It lacks the comfort of my _real_ home, but... I suppose it's better than nothing.

 

So much for the _perfect life_.  Ugh.

 

[ _Sigh_ ]

 

Recently, Steven and Amethyst have been attending to a garden.  This is something else that they claim may be of benefit to me... however, as I had previously deduced when we tried in vain to save the Kindergarten, it's merely a pointless distraction.

 

Nonetheless, I do appreciate the sentiment.

 

Nothing feels the same anymore.  I used to be _enamoured_ by the beauty of the earth, but everything seems so dull now.  I even tried to watch Camp Pining Hearts yesterday, but... that failed to make me experience any sort of happiness either.

 

 _I_ don't feel the same anymore.  It's very difficult to comprehend; almost like an actual part of myself is missing.  I had similar feelings when I lost my limb enhancers, but this is so much worse.  

 

I also have a constant ache in my chest.  There are no impairments to my health and functionality, yet something is still causing me physical pain.  I can only conclude that this is what the humans refer to as "heartbreak", although I never would have thought that it could have a tangible effect on one's wellbeing like this.

 

Perhaps the garden can continue to act as a temporary remedy for this... _heartbreak_.

 

*

 

Steven and Amethyst have taken me to the garden again.  I am currently observing as Steven plants some small blue flowers known as "forget-me-nots".  He said that he selected these flowers because they symbolise remembering those from whom we have become separated, amongst other things.

 

 _Not that Lapis will ever be forgotten_.  My mind constantly goes back to her, every single day.

 

And speaking of Lapis - she would love it here in the garden.  It's very peaceful, and I must admit that learning about earth's flora in more detail is mildly interesting at times... but it's not the same without her.  _Nothing_ is.

 

Pumpkin enjoys playing here, but she's not herself at the moment.  She dislikes the bathroom immensely and has decided to take up residence on the foot of Steven's bed instead.  When we are in the garden together, she often sits looking up at the sky and whining.  I... I think that her heart is broken, too.

 

Peridot, Facet 5, end log.

 

\---

 

Number of days since Lapis left the earth – eight.

 

It has now been more than a week since... since it happened.

 

Steven said this morning that I should try sleeping.  That actually sounds like a great idea! 

 

Lapis used to love sleep; she said that it helped her to escape from her troubles for a little while.  But... occasionally this didn't work out too well, whenever she had nightmares.  _Terrible_ nightmares about being a prisoner and being hurt and... sometimes she’d be extremely distressed when she woke up.  

 

Of course, she would always be ok in the end, because she had me!  I would always be there to comfort her.  But now... now she’s all alone...

 

[ _sniffle_ ]

 

Lapis, I hope you can still find some comfort... even though I can’t be there for you now.

 

P-peridot... Facet 5, end log.

 

\---

 

Number of days since Lapis left the earth - nine.

 

I feel so alone.

 

My fellow Crystal Gems are here for me, but... I have failed to create a bond with any of them that comes even _remotely_ close to the one that Lapis and I shared.

 

They're my friends, just like Lapis.  But with her, it felt different. 

 

Whenever she smiled it somehow seemed like the world got a little brighter.  Spending time with her made me feel... _light_.  Her presence put a bizarre sensation into my abdomen, as though something inside me was fluttering.  I appreciate that this is _completely_ illogical and am still trying to work out what it means.  My research so far, however, has suggested that... that I am _in love_ with her.

 

Perhaps if I had known this sooner, and I could have told Lapis about my feelings, then she wouldn’t have left me...

 

[ _clears throat_ ]

 

But, anyway... This line of hypothesis is _entirely_ unhelpful.  She’s gone.  And I can’t do anything about it.

 

Peridot, Facet 5, end log.

 

\---

 

Number of days since Lapis left the earth - ten.

 

The feeling of abject loneliness is still haunting me today. 

 

Although this is obviously impossible, my physical form now feels incredibly heavy.  Even the smallest of actions are a huge effort for me...

 

Steven and Amethyst have gone gardening again, but I opted to stay here in the bathroom instead.  Just me and my tablet – the only thing that I have left, aside from Pumpkin.

 

[ _deep sigh_ ]

 

I am now going to test the “sleeping” theory for myself and will report my findings afterwards.

 

*

 

I slept in the bathtub until Steven and Amethyst returned and awoke me.

 

Sleeping was... _interesting_.  It certainly makes the time go more quickly!  Lapis was right, there is something strangely comforting about the blank abyss that greets a sleeping mind.

 

I will certainly be partaking in sleep again tonight!

 

Peridot, Facet 5, end log.

 

\---

 

Number of days since Lapis left the earth - eleven.

 

 _I’m NEVER sleeping again_.

 

I had a dream last night while unconscious.  Describing this dream as a “nightmare” would be wholly inappropriate, but... I still _hated_ it.

 

In the dream, I was standing on the beach.  I heard a voice calling my name from a distance... it was Lapis.  She looked so _happy_.  She smiled at me and held out her hand.  I ran to her and embraced her, and... she held me in her arms and told me that everything would be ok.  We both began to cry as she told me that she... that s-she was sorry.

 

Everything felt _right_ , for the first time since she left.  I never wanted that moment to end.

 

Then, I awoke from the dream.  And Lapis was nowhere to be seen.

 

So I’m still all alone in this cloddy bathroom and she’s alone in space!  And my dream decided to _taunt me_! 

 

 _Uuurgh_ , this is the worst feeling that I’ve ever experienced.  This is terrible and _everything_ is terrible and it will never _ever_ get better unless she comes back!

 

I have nothing left in the world apart from this _USELESS TABLET_!

 

Stupid clodding _thing_!  Why do I even bother anymore?!  This is all so _pointless_!

 

[ _clattering sounds, followed by a moment of silence_ ]

 

...ok, perhaps throwing my one and only possession against the bathroom floor like that wasn’t the best course of action.  It seems to still be intact, at least.

 

I’m going to the garden later, in some sort of vain attempt to drown out the constant unrelenting _despair_ that I’m currently experiencing.

 

Peridot.  Facet 5.  End log.

 

\---

 

Number of days since Lapis left the earth - twelve.

 

I have decided that, after today, I’m going to stop keeping this log.  I don’t feel like this is helpful or productive anymore. 

 

I will instead try to make a conscious effort to stop isolating myself from the other Crystal Gems soon.  Although I feel like a complete outsider to the group and I still feel incredibly lonely, they are clearly trying their best for me.  And I appreciate that, even if it doesn’t always help me.

 

I remember when Lapis and I were first at the barn together.  Our relationship got off to a _terrible_ start.  But I said to her at the time, that... that we’re both the same, except she doesn’t have to be alone like I was when I first became stranded on earth.

 

And yet, here we are now.  We _are_ both the same, just like we always have been... only, we’re both lonely again.

 

Perhaps we are constantly alone like this because... because it’s what we deserve.

 

Peridot, Facet 5, end log.

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for day three of Lapidot Angst Week on Tumblr (prompt: "Alone").


End file.
